When parents enter the divorce settlement stage, it often feels like a process built on documents, signatures, and deadlines. Many parents don’t realize it, but this is the stage that will shape the foundation their children stand on for years. Even though divorce has been steadily declining across the country, it still affects hundreds of thousands of families every year.
As the CDC points out, there were over 672,502 divorces and annulments in 2023. That figure makes the divorce rate 2.4%. The divorce rate has been steadily declining by .1% or so, every year or two, except between 2019 and 2020 (2.7% to 2.3%). The gradual downward trend shows that more couples are finding ways to stay together, yet the families who do go through divorce often face very real challenges.
This article explores how thoughtful decisions around routine, emotional availability, and time-sharing can limit long-term harm and help children move forward with confidence.
Table of Contents
#1. Ensure Routines and Rules Remain Stable
Children rely heavily on rhythm, as it helps them regulate emotions more than many parents realize. According to Harden Law, one of the best ways to support kids during the divorce is to keep the routine going. On one hand, this means any usual morning or bedtime rituals carry on as always. On the other hand, it also means resisting the temptation to spoil your kids and let them break rules.
This ties closely to what researchers observe about behavior. One Gallup report notes that when it comes to disagreements or arguments with children, married parents have an advantage. They are significantly less (6%) likely to report their child is ‘frequently out of control’ when compared to divorced (9%) or never-married parents (8%).
This is because children often respond to inconsistency with anxiety, and anxiety can show up as defiance, emotional volatility, or withdrawal. A well-crafted settlement should reflect the understanding that kids need stability as the major priority.
For parents, this means shared priorities regarding sleep schedules, screen time, schoolwork, and discipline. If both homes feel stable, then children get to adapt with greater confidence and lower stress.
#2. Recognize That Your Well-Being and Presence Have an Impact
Children form internal expectations about love, stability, and reliability based on the availability of their caregivers. However, divorce often changes how much time and presence each parent can offer. This shift becomes even more significant when work demands increase, which is often the case after a divorce.
Studies have shown that fathers end up working 16% more hours, with this figure continuing to increase over a decade. Mothers also work 8% more hours after divorce. This invariably impacts children via the extra stress parents face. Kids may not understand why a parent is suddenly busier, and the reduced availability can feel like emotional distance.
This adjustment also has long-term effects. The same study showed that children exposed to divorce in their early years end up earning $2,500 less when they reach 25 years of age. A major reason for this is the emotional uncertainty during developmental years. To reduce these unseen risks, settlements should include clear expectations around parenting time and presence.
As much as possible, try to ensure that the settlement agreement outlines protected time blocks. While you’re at it, remember to set limits on last-minute changes and shared responsibility for school activities, doctor visits, and extracurricular commitments. This brings us to our next point.
#3. Design Time-Sharing With Empathy
Time-sharing agreements often aim for numerical fairness, but children experience time through emotion rather than percentages. A week away from a parent or a holiday spent in a different household feels longer than it looks on paper. This is why empathy needs to guide the way parents design their schedules.
Many parents note that the hardest part of divorce is not being able to spend time with the kids when you want. Amber Campbell, a mom of two daughters, says, “Sharing custody during the holidays is brutal.” The divorce and custody order specified that she could only spend every other birthday or big holiday together.
This type of arrangement is perfectly legal, but it can leave both parents and children feeling like they miss meaningful moments. In Campbell’s case, it created a forced pressure to try to make those shared experiences as perfect as possible. That may sound nice, but it also comes with an incredible amount of stress.
A more thoughtful settlement considers flexible solutions. Some families divide holidays into parts of the day based on long-standing traditions. Others create duplicate celebrations so children experience joy with both parents instead of losing precious memories. If your kids are a little older, it’s also a good idea to give them a small voice in how special days are spent.
Frequently Asked Questions
1. What effect does divorce have on kids?
Divorce can shake up a child’s sense of stability, especially when routines change or communication gets tense. Most kids adjust over time, but stress, confusion, and emotional ups and downs are common at first. The way parents handle the transition plays the biggest role in how they cope.
2. At what age is a child most affected by divorce?
Younger kids, especially between ages three and eight, often feel the impact more strongly because they depend heavily on routine and may not understand why things are changing. They can adapt well, though, when both parents stay emotionally present and keep their world predictable.
3. What is the biggest mistake in a custody battle?
The biggest mistake is turning the process into a fight to “win” instead of focusing on what actually supports the child. When parents focus on hurting each other, communication breaks down, and kids feel caught in the middle. Judges notice this, and it usually hurts everyone involved.
Long story short, children manage transitions with far more strength when they see that both parents remain committed to their well-being. How you and your partner create the settlement goes a long way toward reducing the shock of the divorce on your kids.
Throughout the process, it’s worth remembering that a supportive settlement does not emerge from aiming for personal victories. This is not the time or place for you to try to get a one-up over your partner. If there ever was a moment to use the phrase ‘think of the children,’ the divorce settlement stage would be the perfect one.
